


The Third Attempt

by AgnesTomlinson



Series: Loki's Attempts [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Guilt, Imprisonment, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 12:59:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19791388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgnesTomlinson/pseuds/AgnesTomlinson
Summary: Loki is done. He is done. Done with all of it. He cannot stand it any longer. Cannot take another breath without wishing it was his last. He’s going crazy. This cell, his imprisonment, the pain, the guilt. All of it. It is too much.  He wishes not to feel any of it any more. He does not want to be reminded of his failure on Midgard, of his weakness with the Titan, of his guilt for Mother’s death. He is done. This time he won’t come back. He will die. He cannot imagine staying alive after this. He needs death, now more than ever.





	The Third Attempt

**Author's Note:**

> Back with one more part in this series, I still have a vague idea for 2 more parts, although I have not yet come to a decision. Either way, this part is now finished, and as always it invovles some heavy stuff with suicidal thoughts and suicide attempt, so if you're triggered, please click away x

Loki is done. He is done. Done with all of it. He cannot stand it any longer. Cannot take another breath without wishing it was his last. He’s going crazy. This cell, his imprisonment, the pain, the guilt. All of it. It is too much. He wishes not to feel any of it any more. He does not want to be reminded of his failure on Midgard, of his weakness with the Titan, of his guilt for Mother’s death. He is done. This time he won’t come back. He will die. He cannot imagine staying alive after this. He needs death, now more than ever.

Not even after finding out his true heritage and feeling the raw disappointment of his father and unforgiveness of his actions had he felt like this. He had thought he had been ready for death then, but it is nothing compared to now. He has no future now. The only certain future for him was pain. He hadn’t succeeded. Midgard was not his, nor the Titan’s. His failure would be met with the pain he had tried so desperately to escape. The pain that lead him to accept the offer of the Other. 

_ “ _ _ He will make you long for something as sweet as pain”  _ If there was a sensation worse than the pain they had caused him, Loki did not want to find out. And now, with his failure it was the only thing that was certain for him. He would never get away from the Titan and his thralls. He would never be free.

It did not matter that Loki was locked away. The cell may be safe from him getting out, but that did not guarantee that no one could get in. They would get to him eventually and he would burn. He could find no peace here where he couldn’t have any visitor’s and the only one he had had was now dead. His mother.  _ Mother.  _ She was his mother, no matter what words Loki may have made her hear during their last conversation. She was the only one who had believed in him and loved him unconditionally, even if it had never been enough for him. And now, she was gone, dead. It was his fault, he had told the monster which way to go and therefore put his mother at risk. It had not been his plan, of course it hadn’t, but he was blinded by anger and betrayal and all he wanted was to watch Asgard burn. But now…

He is watching himself burn and he wants nothing more than to close his light. But he cannot, not in here. His seiðr is bound and he does not know how to kill himself here. But he needs to. He deserves death. Or maybe he doesn’t. He deserves to suffer, to force himself to see the mistakes he has done and the pain he has caused. He deserves to live a loveless life full of pain and hurt. Death is above him. Death does not want him. Not even Helheim will have him for what he has done. He deserves nothing. 

He had asked for death. Had told Odin that it was the punishment he should get. Thor was terrified, Mother aghast. Odin refused. Indifferent. He did not give any indication of his own feelings towards Loki’s wish. His indifference had always been what Loki had hated the most. He felt small and worthless. He didn’t matter. His wish didn’t matter. He was not allowed to die. He had to serve his time in the cell until Odin would decide he was to be free. Loki didn’t expect to ever see the sun again. He was to die in here, or wherever the Other would take him. He would never be free.

Death would be freedom. 

He is startled out of his thoughts by the arrival of Thor. The god looks worn and tired, like sleep has evaded him for many nights and the stress of the situation is bearing down on him. Loki knows what that is like, but he does not think he has ever seen his brother in such a state before.

Thor comes with a proposal. A vague plan that promises revenge for their mother’s death. It is a foolish plan that could easily go wrong and lead to a worse punishment than the solitude he is forced to endure now. But Loki has no plan to come back from this mission. He accepts.

***

The plan goes better than Loki had thought and the dark elves go along with it and it seems as if they will win and be able to get back to Asgard unharmed. That won’t do. Loki knows his time is limited, that as soon as the enemy is defeated Thor will chain him up again and have him back in his cell. Loki will not go back.

He feels manic as he attacks the being who killed his mother, a being that is twice his size and Loki knows he won’t be able to beat in raw strength. He pretends to try. He hears Thor yell at him, for him to leave the monster for him instead, but Loki pays him no mind. And somehow, he manages to stab the creature with it’s own weapon. The Monster will die. Loki feels strangely empty as he realises it’s over and turns to face Thor, who is still yelling.

He gasps as pain blossoms in his chest and he looks down to find the weapon he pierced the monster with now sticking out of his own chest. The creature backs away and falls over, now dead, and Loki coughs up blood before he too falls, only to be wrapped up in Thor’s muscular arms. He cannot remember the last time anyone, let alone Thor, hugged him or even touched him in a way that was not meant to bring pain. He lets himself enjoy it for a moment, to soak it up, as he knows this will be the last time he can experience it. 

The pain is terrible and Loki can’t get his breathing under control or his eyes to focus on Thor. They talk, Loki knows he apologizes and he knows Thor cries, but everything is slipping away from him. He knows not what words he utters, knows not if Thor can even hear him. His eyes grow heavy and his is in so much pain that he can’t think. Thor continues to talk to him, his words frantic but Loki can’t hear them, can no longer respond to them. The darkness comes for him and he lets it embrace him.

Finally.

***

With a gasp he comes to and he lets out a cry in frustration as he realises that death has not kept him. It had taken him, Loki swears it had. He had been dead, he had gone to Valhalla (Valhalla! He had seen his Mother, never had he thought there was a place for him there.). He had been there and well and  _ happy  _ but then he blinked and he was back on this forsaken planet again.

Tears run down his face as he forces himself up, he swears and yells and blames the Norns for his pain and heartache. The wound in his chest is closed, a nasty scar left behind but no more pain. Loki screams.

He was supposed to die, he  _ had  _ died, why could he not get to stay dead. He will stay dead, no one will know he survived. Thor likely thinks him dead and will bring the news for Asgard. He could escape, no one would look for him.

Of course the Titan would know he was not really dead and would eventually come for him and the nine realms. Maybe that’s why he survived, because he is the only one who knows and can prepare the realms for the Titan’s destruction. He can do this, he will have his purpose and save the realms. Somehow. But first, he must let Asgard know of his death. 


End file.
